The moment I decided to choose myself

The moment I decided to choose myself was the moment when I realized that going around aimlessly and waiting for life events to happen to me was not going to be enough anymore. That the stumbling into walls - that’s how my current approach to life felt - was not enough anymore. I realized one afternoon walk that there has to be better and I asked myself how have I done this for so long? Going almost blind through life, like a beggar expecting others or chance to bring upon me the life I thought I deserved. Two things had to be conflated for this opening of my eyes, seeing anxiety for the life-sucking force that it is, not the source of any future prediction ability or preparation or intuition. Second I had to look back to see the good things, question the beliefs that had me stumbling, question every aspect that brought me here, to this city, to this park, to daily walks to clear my mind. I started to choose myself, although without making the decision when I heard the spiritual reparenting journey. What would a loving parent do, how will they treat you, what rules will they have in place so you can be your best self? 

The moment I decided to choose myself was the moment I started to set intentions. Not only showing up, eating what is good, exercising, making sure I got enough sleep, finding ways to manage my anxiety. The moment I decided to choose myself is when I turn back quickly into what might seem good but I know it’s not good for me, as in it is not aligned with the self we have been nurturing. Why would I betray our work choosing what is clearly not for us? The moment I decided to choose myself was the moment not only that I started setting intentions, but I realized all of my life has to be guided by intentions and these have to be set consciously every day, each time a challenge or an opportunity arrives at our doorstep, every time I wake up. Even for sleep. Without intentions, I was drifting in an empty space. I thought I was empty inside but isn’t our environment merely mirror of our inner world? Deciding to choose yourself is a moment of grief. There is a death of the parts of you that were so willing to give yourself up to others for validation and approval. The parts that judge so harshly, criticize, condemn and compare. The moment I decided to choose myself meant the acknowledgment of what I knew and didn’t want to recognize: that there was something dying in me and that change was imminent. That if I didn’t find what was good for me, for who I am this death will become permanent, even if I looked alive to others. Maya Angelou said that when you know better you do better. Once you know better, not doing better adds to the layers of guilt and shame we harbor inside. Doing better once you know better becomes a moral obligation. Indeed might be the test life is setting you up at this moment before you can move to something else. And I think that was the challenge I have been set up with: to choose myself and honor my truths: what brings me alive, stay away from what drains me and have the strength to recognize the difference. That is to understand how life’s energy flows through me. We all have a signature of the flow of life, a pattern of how the energy flows within us. Our duty is to find and honor these patterns so we can become every day more of what we are. The challenge, of course, was to pause enough, to accept the circumstances in front of me, for this process to unfold.